I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's blow job season.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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