can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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