How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Randomize
