I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
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He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
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Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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