i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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