i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
