def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
