Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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