what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
