Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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