i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
