I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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