WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
