If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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