I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
