Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
