You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
