it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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