A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
