does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
