Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
