im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
