Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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