I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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