Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
