I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
