we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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