I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
