Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just threw up on my dentist
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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