Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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