4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
