my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
