i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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