When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
