my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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