i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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