addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize