Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Jerry, you need to find god
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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