turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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