Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
