If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
