The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
