Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
