I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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