I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
