i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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