I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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