Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
