When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
