He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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