I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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