man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
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Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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