"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize