Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
