You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
